Caireen’s Poetry Page!

The latest offerings from our extremely talented resident poet and another mystery poet! Just thought these were too good to disappear into the guest book! No pressure Caireen, but everyone wants one now – keep up the good work!

26th April 2008

Pete is HOW old?

Peter Mclardy, I have come out of hiding especially for you,

Although technically you are not a member of…. Well, any crew,

You are a rowing widower and a social member to boot,

And when you are in a good mood, can be such a hoot.

You have your up’s and your major down, down, down’s!,

And when you are in a strop are certainly no fun to be around,

You get yourself into a Mr Sensible state of the serious blues,

And although we try very hard to make you have fun, you totally refuse.

With your big, black, sleek cab and blueberry to hand,

You do give off the impression of being rather grand,

If only Rick Stein’s customers could see you after a rare beer or two,

They would possibly think twice about getting into a taxi with you!

Of course if you were a rower you would be the best around,

Any tips that we require, we know where you can be found,

The technique, the style, that vital fitness edge,

You would make us all so much better, that would be your pledge.

Oh how we do love a talker, and one that so knows best,

While you sit there, on your sofa, and have yourself a rest,

You know we could do better, if only we would listen,

If the Guru Mclardy’s rules were followed, our rowing careers would glisten

You have an eye for spotting the very best of potential,

And of course you know the main component that’s essential,

That to be a member of any elite ladies crew,

Any woman above thirty eight double D with a cute butt will do.

We all feel very deeply for your long suffering wife, Emma,

Who has to put up with your roving eye, and sulken temper,

She has learnt to choose her friends with the utmost of care,

And is sure to warn them all of your glassy eyed stare.

Joking aside (well some of it was), you grumpy old git,

Thank you, so much for your kindness, generosity and friendship,

This past year would have been very difficult to get through,

If it wasn’t for Emma, and I have to admit it, you too.

So have a very Happy Birthday, the best you’ve ever had,

That you chose to come to Padstow, we are all very glad,

As a family you have all contributed so much to our club,

And as the head of the family, you should be feeling rather smug!


(Partly commissioned by one Mrs.E.Mclardy.)


It’s been a great year surely one of our best

but next year is looming another big test.

Our proud ladies A crew no more one of the rest

to be out there now rowing as one of the best.

Our gallant mens A crew not quite there yet

but one day world champions must be a sure bet.

The B’s the mixed and the vets too it would’nt be a club without you

you give your all year after year so come on the rest and give um a cheer.

Then there’s the juniors the clubs real heartbeat

proving once again that they are quite hard to beat.

So to round of the year a fiesty young lady who has joined our fleet we’ve named her the Vixen a gig hard to beat.

And so to us all yes we took up the test

to prove once again Padstow’s simply the best.

Anon Random! (Who ARE you?!!!)

By Caireen – Oct 2007

Well, that’s it, winters officially here,

And to my eye it has brought a tear,

The short dark days without the sun,

Have left me feeling very glum.

Am missing rowing so very much,

And above all that personal touch,

Of our weekly meets, laughs and chats,

Dreary winter has put paid to all that.

Solitary running and lifting weights,

Just doesn’t hold it in the having fun stakes,

The open water, the shouts and moans,

There’s just no joy in training alone.

The stresses, the strains and the tears,

The pain and of course the competition fears,

It’s a hard life not being able to row,

As I’m sure you’ll all agree and know.

Luckily this year there is a light at the end of the tunnel,

We are off to the May Scillies, what a bloody good call,

We are all going to live our dream,

To compete as a world championship team.

Roll on January when training recommences,

And we are all knocked back to our senses,

Apparently we have to give up all of our bad habits,

Now, that’s not part of traditional rowing, is it?!

So a big thank you to the Padstow massive,

Who so far have remained fairly passive,

About giving up part of an important of local tradition,

In the hope that we will do very well, if not win!

To Sarah by ANON (who ARE you?!!!) – Oct 2007

Race day is here

lets put on a show

sarahs there waiting

camera ready to go.

Is my hair ok !

is my vest to tight

it won’t be long now

before we’re out of sight.

The vets and the mixed

the juniors to

the men and the ladies

a hell of a crew.

In the heat of the battle

with Jas on our backs

you catch us all rowing

there’s no turning back.

And so after race day

when sunday is here

around the computer

to see what appears.

pulling all sorts of faces

giving it a go

do i really look like that

or is it all just for show.

There’s spot and there’s scud

and those grumpy old men

you catch us all

so there’s no hiding then.

And so to you sarah

with your massive great lens

a trully big thank you

from all of your friends.

Happy birthday Sarah


You’re a passionate lady with her up’s and downs,

So when we see you arrive with one of your frown’s

We know to keep quiet and row our hearts out,

Because your one scary lady when you get cross and shout!

You have been a pioneer for the under fourteen’s,

Because of you, the past two years we’ve had teams,

That have rowed their hearts out and achieved their potential,

Your dedication to them has been essential.

The expression “nutty tart” springs to mind,

We know your love for rowing helps you unwind,

You’re as bouncy as Tigger when it’s all going well,

And offer words of wisdom when we don’t excel.

We look up to you for advice, acceptance and knowledge,

Although this is good, it sometimes leaves you on edge,

“I’ve told you all I know now be quiet PLEASE,

I may well look it, but I’m far from at ease.”

Because you’re calm and composed we seem to forget,

That underneath it all, you too worry and fret,

So here’s a big sorry from all in the crew,

For those stupid rambling question’s we’re SURE YOU know the answer to!

You are up for a laugh and a bloody good sport,

And like to celebrate well with a good glug of port,

You love to live life to it’s full capacity,

So we’re all as pleased as you that you’ve gotten over your dodgy knee.

You’re like a fine wine that improves with age(!),

And I know our crew wouldn’t have got to this stage,

Without your sheer bloody mindness and will to win,

You are one of those people in life who isn’t designed to give in.


Who won’t give up come hell, high water or Heaven,

I hope in life you achieve all you deserve,

Failing that you could be a vet’s team reserve!!

(JOKE HONEST) please don’t punch me!!!

Loads of love and RREEspect xxxx’

For My Darling Daughter! – Sept 2007

Laura Canfield are you really fifteen?,

You’ve been pretending your eighteen for ages it seems!,

However we all know you’re not that grown up,

Especially when you throw one of your major strops!

You’re stubborn, lazy and bloody hard work,

And try as I might I can’t think of a perk,

Only joking my sweet, would I cross you?,

My life wouldn’t be worth living if I decided to!

You have been a great club member for the past year,

Rowing your heart out against your peers,

And not only that you have given your all,

To be a valued member of the B crew come rain or fall.

Sometimes the pressure has been too much,

And the results of this have been as such;

“I’m not going, I’m not rowing, but at the end of the day,

If Jason say’s I have to then what more can I say?”

We think you enjoy it but your face is hard to read,

Is that passion, hunger or pure gobbly greed?

“As long as there’s a burger with cheese on offer,

Well then, who am I to make others suffer?”.

Your shoulder’s have been burdened at such a young age,

To grow up, pull up and row at your gage,

Be it fourteen’s , sixteen’s or ladies B,

Never a prouder mum could you wish to see.

You have shown a strength that has amazed us all,

At every event you have managed to rise not fall,

You really are good fun to be around,

Godsends like you are hard to be found.

So this last verse deserves a personal touch,

Laura you’re an angel and I love you so much,

I hope that one day you will live your dream,

And become Padstow’s very own mermaid queen.

Happy birthday you moody mare I hope you don’t expect a present as well

Happy Birthday Sarah A! – June 2007

Thankyou Sarah for the bottles of bubbly,

You ensured the evening was very lovely,

To invite us all was really sweet,

An extra special after rowing treat.

Wishing you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY today,

Hope that your days not all work ang no play,

Though being the oldest you may well choose,

To put up your feet and have a snooze!

Have a great day Sarah!!!


Sorry,Sian but the story is totally boring

Just one of those pain in the ass stupid things,

I slipped down some steps and held on tight,

And although I tried with all my might,

I fell down flat straight on my back,

And pulled my shoulder on top of that,

So right now I don’t feel too clever,

But hope I won’t be out of rowing forever.

I have pulled some tendons that need a rest,

But be reassured I’m trying my best,

To keep my fitness up in other ways,

So my recovery time will not be weeks but days

Am hoping I won’t loose my place in the team,

But time will tell, so it would seem,

Thank you though for your concern,

My passion for rowing continues to burn.

There are some measures I could take,

Like to cut off Laura’s legs and her fingers break,

However I feel this may be a touch extreme,

So I’ll just lock her in a cupboard and hear her scream!

So let this be a lesson for you all to learn,

If it’s rowing in your heart that you yearn,

Next time don’t save yourself fall flat on your face,

You’ll be able to row even if you’ve lost all grace


You are small, calm and perfectly formed,

And for the most part quiet, but be warned,

A few white wines under your belt,

And your cutsy image begins to melt!

Your fit and active and full of fun,

Any hurdle in front of you, you overcome,

You give it your all and will try anything once,

Your go getting personality leaves you full of endurance,

Quietly and behind the scenes,

You’ve worked really hard for the under fourteen’s,

Because of you we’ve become a family club,

Your recruiting techniques can’t be snubbed.

You appear in a package small and content,

And your contribution has been heaven sent,

If it wasn’t for you we’d barely manage one crew,

Now we’ve got the population of Trevone, plus a few,

You happily turn up to every race,

Weather you’re there to row or support in good grace,

The club means a lot to you it’s plain to see,

And you make a big impact even if you are wee.

I really don’t know what we’d do without you ,

Weather we need a good night out or new member of crew,

You’re a Jack of all trades and it’s plain to see,

We can’t live without you or you without we!

Your bi-lingual qualities leave us all in awe,

Wherever you go you fit in that’s for sure,

If you could spare the time to teach us all you know,

I’m quite sure we could find the time to teach you how to row!

Finally mon cheree there is no need to be insecure,

Because I for one am positively sure,

That as a rower you can be so great,

So for f**ksake Sal KEEP THAT ARM STRAIGHT!!

Have a great birthday with lot’s of love xxxxxxxx

To Our Super Lovely Gorgeous Ali Have A Fab Birthday! – March 2007

Dear Ali we love you and all that you do,

In a club like ours your passion shines through,

We appreciate all the effort you put in,

And the hunger that you have for our next win.

You’re the treasurer that we all treasure,

You have a head for figures that no-one can measure,

You also have a figure that can turn heads,

Put them away Ali the boys are turning red!

A fiery red head with set ideas,

You tell us your hates and all of your fears,

You wear your heart emblazoned on your sleave,

We need your enthusiasm Ali, so please never leave.

You have been accused of talking too much when you row,

But if you didn’t tell us the gossip how would we know?

And we love what you tell us so don’t get upset,

That your reputation precedes you as the gig club gazette!

We’re lucky to have you as the clubs fundraising queen,

Because to be quite honest we’re all really mean,

And if we didn’t have you to extract every pound,

The money for equipment would never be found.

You strive for success and we all agree,

The boat wouldn’t be the same without you at number three,

You’re good for morale and egg us all on,

The encouragement you give us makes us all row as one.

You’re vivacious, curvy, bubbly and stylish,

At the body pump gym you’re known as quite a dish,

Well my dear what more does that leave me to say?

Oh, except, yes Ali, you’re right, at the end of the day!

Loads of love you spring chicken have a good one!

Happy Birthday To A Great Cox! – January 2007

Well Jason Nicholas what can I say?,

You certainly have a peculiar way,

Of telling us girls just how you feel,

Lets just say it’s not always genteel.

“I’m cruel to be kind” we hear you shout,

“you’re not here to gossip and muck about,

Now give me a hard ten and keep your mouths shut,

I don’t want to hear anymore of that smut.”

You have been known to stand and ponder,

To bite your nails and look out yonder,

“How did those buggers get the better of me?,

I’ll get them back you wait and see.”

We know you care deep down in your heart,

And even though we’ve had a crap start,

You really are proud of how we row,

You just find it rather difficult to show.

You give up your life for us every summer,

And spend every evening making us stronger,

You row, you tow, you cox and you fundraise,

Oh come on guys I had to give him some praise.

You’re a man of high standards and old fashioned morals,

You say what you mean even if it causes quarrels,

“Women in general should be seen and not heard,

And you’ll never make me smile unless you do better than third.”

You are our very well respected cox,

Who rolls with the high times and takes the knocks,

You are the anchor of the club that we all look up to,

And underneath it all we are so proud to have you.


My hardest ode yet to Emma McClardy,

She’s got no sense of humour I’m scared she’ll get mardy,

The delicate flower who is shy and retiring,

Doesn’t sound like her does it? No ‘cause I’m lying.

You have brought a lot of fun to Padstow rowing club,

Though we all know you’d much rather be down the pub,

“Oh, ok, just one more larger,

I’ll tell Pete we just rowed into the harbour”.

You are nuttier than the nuttiest fruit cake,

Though you leave a lot to be desired when you bake,

A dinner party with Aunt Bessies pies?,

And a chilli that brought tears to our eyes.

You are a mad down to earth countryside fillie,

Who can gallop rather well around the Isles of Scilly,

Though really we needn’t have taken you there,

The sound of your gob would’ve travelled well through the air.

Of course you were the golden girl of the year,

With your long flowing locks right down to your rear,

You have left us girls feeling rather glum,

That it was your turn to be star number one.

You are super amazingly stunningly fit,

Although sometimes you do stink of horse sh*t,

But of course we all forgive you for that,

Because you row superbly well in the flat!

The sparkly, bright, shining star,

With a great ability to prop up a bar,

You don’t mince your words when you have something to say,

And we wouldn’t have you any other way.


An Ode To Amazing Annie!

Oh dear Annie you are amazing,

And isn’t it such a strange thing,

Though you are the youngest in our crew,

For a good example we follow you.

You are calm and mellow and strong,

And in our eyes can do no wrong,

You lead us girls with so much passion,

We are the height of rowing fashion.

We know the three things important to you,

You do ramble on when you’ve had a few!

With May Day first and rowing close second,

And Candy coming along when she’s beckoned.

There is no doubt in my mind,

No matter how hard we tried to find,

Our club would be in a major fix,

To find a more fabulous number six.

You are the leader that we all follow,

Though some of your ideas are hard to swallow,

Remember the shorts and wellies look?

And we all fell for it line and hook!

You’re a straight talking girl with local traditions,

We love what you stand for and admire your position,

Let’s hope the joy of winning comes our way,

Preferably before your thirtieth birthday!

Happy Birthday Annie!

An Ode To Sarah Wickins. Our Angel Sent From Heaven.

You are intelligent, gorgeous and funny,

And your disposition is always sunny,

When it comes to describing you, How do I choose?

There’s so much you can do.

You deserve to celebrate your birthday in style,

And I do hope this ode is worth your while,

To tell you how much you mean to us all,

Without you our club would seem menial.

No job too big, no job too small,

You are keen and eager to do them all,

You are happy and smiley and welcoming,

And to this club much joy do you bring.

Your cakes are a treat,

They look too good to eat,

And your rowing’s amazing,

(Let’s hope the jitters are fading).

With your headscarf tied firmly in place,

And a glossy smile across your face,

There is no doubt your one oarsome lady,

We’d hate to lose you to Tamar and Tavy.

From your lucky fruity pants,

To your intrepid crossing of sandbanks,

You’re an asset to Padstow rowing club,

And I’m sending this with LOADS OF LOVE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Freedman

Alan lives in Hampshire, and the Isle of Wight, with his wife in an old farmhouse with a four acre garden.

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